Insecurity
by Eurgh
Summary: I know I am beautiful. But it doesn't shake that inescapable insecurity. Rosalie reflects on herself when left to her own devices, one-shot drabble


**Hey. This is just a short one-shot from Rosalie's point of view. I think I kept her pretty well in character, but I don't know. Review and tell me!**

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_Insecurity_

Insecurity is a funny thing.

It should never be a problem.

Not for me.

But here I am, locked away in my bathroom, looking at the mirror.

I am _perfect._

My skin is flawless, my hair doesn't have a single split end. My wide, topaz eyes are framed by the long lashes most women only dream of. My fingers, resting gently against the mirror, are pale and delicate. My lips are perfectly shaped, the palest pink. I flash myself a smile and admire the perfectly straight pearls gleaming in my mouth.

I know I am beautiful.

But it doesn't shake that insecurity.

Perhaps beauty isn't enough.

I hate introspective moments like this, I really do. Though I suppose there is no avoiding it when you have an eternity without so much as a wink of sleep ahead of you. I frown. This, luckily, does absolutely nothing to deplete my beauty.

Insecurity is a curious thing.

Why would I be insecure? I was Rosalie Hale. I _am _Rosalie Hale. The most beautiful girl in Rochester, New York in 1933. The most attractive prospect for marriage in Rochester, New York in 1933.

_That didn't stop them from raping you, did it?_

I frown. That is the main reason I hate these introspective moments. I constantly remind myself of foolish things I should no longer care about, foolish matters no one should care about. I have a good life now. I have a family, a family I love so dearly I often wonder how it is possible to feel the way I do about them. I have Emmett, my darling Emmett.

I could not survive any of this without Emmett.

_Even though you didn't fight to keep him human. Like Edward did for Bella. In fact, you did the opposite._

The logical side of my mind is a bitch. I frown again. Bella and Edward and their wedding – none of these things are high on my list of what I want to be thinking about. I don't mind the thought of welcoming Bella into the family as a sister. Well, perhaps the tiniest bit. Not out of enmity, necessarily. It's just that…

I am simply…

Jealous.

As I said, insecurity is the strangest thing.

She has so much ahead of her. Isabella Swan has plenty of boys in her life that honestly think themselves in love with her. She could have any life she wanted. She could have the life _I_ wanted, the life _I_ will never get to have! And she turns it away. She shuns all of it, every last beautiful human thing I am so desperate to have for…

Edward.

Would I have done that for Emmett?

I shake my head, watch the light reflect beautifully against my golden hair.

Insecurity is heartbreaking sometimes.

It is easier to look in the mirror and think of my beauty (which, as arrogant as I may sound, is quite apparent; I am not such a fool as to not know my own appearance and don't care for modesty). It is far easier for people like Isabella Swan (whom probably suspects otherwise anyway) to believe I am utterly shallow and self absorbed. It is better that they don't see these weak moments, when I cease to distract myself.

The truth is ugly.

I am a shallow, self-absorbed girl most of the time.

Most people don't truly understand me. Even Edward, whom can see my every thought, doesn't. That doesn't bother me at all, because I would really prefer that no one noticed this foolish insecurity anyway.

Once in a great while, I cannot stand another moment of shallow thought. Occasionally, when Emmett and Edward and Carlisle are away hunting, when Alice has dragged Bella away on a shopping trip, when Esme is locked away in her own dark thoughts without a full house, I find myself sitting in front of the mirror like this.

I am a vain person.

But only because of that damned insecurity.

I have never tasted human blood. I should be proud. My track record is better even than Esme's. But, then I must remember that I did kill seven people. I murdered them in anger, in revenge, in hatred. This horrible vengeance cracked whatever I have left of a soul, leaving shards of innocence in its wake.

I suppose, on the inside, I am not so beautiful.

Emmett disagrees. Once, about twenty years ago, I mentioned just a bit of all this to him. How I am not beautiful on the inside, but instead cracked and imperfect. How I have realized that my vanity, my revenge, my secret envies and jealousies make me a very unattractive person. How my selfishness lead me to "save" him and thus curse him to a life I wanted no part of myself. And he?

He laughed and laughed, and then held me in his arms and assured me in his low voice that I was the most beautiful person he had ever known, inside and out. He insisted I didn't give myself enough credit- me! The most arrogant, vain woman- human or vampire- one will ever meet. Insisted he was glad I had changed him, insisted I was worth anything.

I have said nothing since.

Insecurity and arrogance really go hand in hand. You cannot have arrogance and vanity without that secret insecurity, writhing just below the surface, waiting for a moment of solitude to snap up your mind. Without insecurity, I would not feel the need to dwell on my beauty, to think constantly about myself and my perfection.

But this does not change. I still dwell, and I am still shallow, and when I am alone, the insecurity leaps at me, happy to take advantage of my momentary weakness.

Edward does not think me capable of any thoughts such as these. It's all as well. Despite his abilities, I sometimes think him blind. After all, he has learned to rely on them, learned to use that to judge. It is surprisingly easy to fool a mind reader.

Of course, he knows this.

I still remember when he left. How my darling Emmett was slowly losing his cheer. Alice, lost to us all, in a reality none of us could imagine. Esme, trying to hide her sneaking sadness. Carlisle, throwing himself into his work.

And me.

Me, left to my own thoughts. Me, sad and lonely. Me, watching my family tear itself apart.

What I did was extremely selfish. I know this. I still regret that decision. But, honestly, I am a selfish, vain person.

I am an insecure, arrogant vampire.

Insecurity.

The bane of my existence.

The strangest thing I have ever encountered.

And I cannot tear it from my soul.


End file.
